Honor Transgender Resilience (and Resistance)

When I was five, I can remember being drawn to the toys, games and clothes that were thought to be boyish in nature. I hated Barbies, despised the color pink and resented the dreaded Easter dress I was forced to put on each year. When we played house, my preference was either father or family dog – no exceptions. And I can still recall showing up to the Barry Park basketball court ready to jump into a game and being asked if I was a boy or a girl. By the time I was ten, I had begun putting words to the heart of the issue and questioning whether I could pray my way to boyhood. I had gotten it in my head that if I demonstrated to whatever being lived in the clouds that I was fully devoted to them, they would allow me to wake up the next day a boy. These were the beginnings of what proved to be a roughly two decade-long journey of identity confusion and self-discovery.

It’s funny, because at these ages you are able to recognize internal unrest, but you lack the knowledge, experiential wisdom and vocabulary to thoroughly explore that unrest. You can imagine that without intentional guidance or examples to pull from, it is incredibly challenging for a child to resolve this conflict. It has made me question how many of my peers at that time were struggling with the same exact battle, but were shunned into silence and invisibility. Our external world and the adults around us gave feedback that was discouraging, shaming and sometimes punitive. I learned very quickly that my internal experience was a dangerous one to express.

This led of course, to a great deal of suppression and denial which launched adolescent and early-twenties me into a swirling whirlpool of identity confusion. There were always signs though. Like the time it was trendy to be the opposite gender for Halloween and I remembered it as one of the best days I ever had. Or the day I announced to all of my neighborhood friends that I was a ‘Tomboy’ and finally felt some sense of confidence in knowing who I was. But what truly thawed out some of the most silenced parts of my true self were the loved ones in my life. They challenged me to keep remaining curious about that inner child and supported me while I walked the path of reconnecting with gender-affirming clothing, discovering pronouns and a choosing a name. They empowered me when I questioned, doubted and shamed myself. And still today they stand by me, holding space for me when I need it most. When I think of Resilience, I think of my tribe as key players in my ability to practice it. The right social fabric can make for powerful reinforcements in light of oppressive, hateful forces. I know this as a Black man, a Queer man and a Trans man.

London Wright
London is a licensed Social Work and poet in Syracuse, NY

http://syracuseculturalworkers.com/collections/transgender